I haven't been over here in a while, mostly due to new jobs, increase end-of-summer activities, cleaning of houses, life changes and so much more.
Tonight I am home alone. Well, Sammy is upstairs sleeping but Dan and Eli are gone camping so the house feels mostly empty. The dishes in the sink are dirty, there is a mountain of clean laundry to fold upstairs, but I'm taking a few moments to pause and gather my thoughts. These days life is moving at a rapid rate and I don't always take time to stop and be in my own brain.
For whatever reason lately, I have been a pillar of negativity. My life rocks, and I am fully aware of that. I have an amazing husband, two of the cutest kids on the face of the planet, my DREAM job and life is swell. With all that though, I have found ample amounts of material to draw from to host daily or weekly pity parties.
Sure, our life is a little uncertain right now. There are some things about our future we don't know much about. That's just life. Sure, the boys keep me up on my toes every second they are awake. I don't remember the last time I thought, "My house is clean.". These things are all stress factors. But I'm realizing more and more that I've just gotten myself in a habit of being negative.
It came to a head today when we got some frustrating news about some of these life changes we're working on. I called up Dan and ranted and raved. I used language unbecoming of a young lady. I roared and gnashed about the unfairness of life, the sheer madness of it all, and how, well, butt-hurt I was.
Dan, my never moving rock, listened patiently, expressed similar frustration, gave helpful tips on how to not throw dishes at the wall and told me things were going to be ok. I was so worked up I could only manage a half-hearted acquiescence of sorts and asked him to please forgive the theatrics. He did, after all, marry the former vice president of the Bountiful High Drama Club.
Tonight I sit in retrospect of the day's events. I'm not one to compare human suffering and think, "well, someone has it worse.". A littler perspective is always great but I truly believe trials are relative to our life's experience. I don't think it's a healthy practice to diminish your own hardships by forcing yourself to mull over the hardships of others. Every thing is relative.
With that said, I do believe it is easy to create a pattern of negativity that leads oneself to accept life as one big trial. I feel like I have been falling victim to this event in my life lately. I think a healthy way to approach life if to acknowledge trials, accept them as part of life and work on viable solutions. For me, I just need to pull my head out of my rear and get with the program.
I don't think we have to force a smile when we don't feel happy. Not a believer in this. But I do think it's important to set a tone in life that is sustainable. Constant negativity is not sustainable. It will eat you alive. So my goal for tonight is not to change my life, but change the way I view the events transpiring in my life. Many things are out of my control right now. It's ok to admit when things are hard. It's probably not ok to put on sackcloth and ashes 24-7 and weep and wail. No one wants to be around that person.