Thursday, September 20, 2012

Milky Musings

First off, "stop talking about your boobs already!" and second off "we don't care anymore!".

Point taken. But you came here...and here I am. For whatever reason the last few weeks I've been feeling very sad (again) about my inability to nurse my son. I have no doubt in my mind that he is fine, formula is fine, bottles are fine, and everyone is great. But my little boy, my baby, is getting so big and independent that I just yearn for some sort of infant/mother connection. He used to like it when I rocked him while he took a bottle but now that he can hold his own he'd rather scoot around and grab a drink here and there and resume activities.

I know every mom goes through a sort of aching when her baby gets big. With Sammy though, there's something more to it. I'm not sure if its the drama of his birth, the subsequent depression and (partial) recovery, or just the fact that my 3 year old is less than cuddly and I really loved having this little bundle around who wanted nothing more than for Mommy to hold him and snuggle him. I know he's only 8 months old. I know he'll be a baby for a while still. But something about him lately is just screaming "I'm independent Mom! Look at me!"

He crawls at lightning speed and does everything he can to keep up with Big Brother. He loves to be cuddled, but only in small, short doses. I have been longing for a reason to get him to stay close to me, want to me near me, but without mommy milk he would rather take his lunch on the go.

I have an odd relationship with nursing. Yesterday I had a few friends over and we were talking (of course) about babies and what-not and they were swapping nursing stories. I added input only in the form of "and then I mixed a bottle and he went to bed" but I suddenly hurt a bit for this experience that I was missing out on.

On one hand, I think not being able to nurse has been a real blessing for me. Its given me a chance to let others help with my children in ways I wouldn't have been able to. It has given me mobility and a little more freedom. Sammy is an amazing sleeper and minus the current ear infection has had a pretty spotless bill of health in his little life.

On the other hand I wish so much that I could still share a closeness with my baby other mothers do. I always feel like I have to explain myself to moms when I pull out a bottle of formula. I know they most likely don't care but I want to make sure they know I'm not doing this voluntarily. It's silly really, I shouldn't care what other people think about me...but I do.

Oh well, sorry for the downer today. I'm just feeling a little sad about the progress of time I guess. I love my kids so much it makes me cry. Sammy is so big and strong and happy. Eli is so smart and funny. I just want them to stay little forever. Is that possible?


  1. I made almost this exact same comment on another friend's blog, but I still think it's true so here it goes again: I think the great betrayal of mommyhood is that your babies grow up. I look at my sweet giggling young misses and think, "If they keep getting older, some day they are going to have to make difficult decisions and probably be disappointed and maybe even depressed and discouraged. There's going to be a time when I can't kiss it better, and when they (gasp) aren't going to want to snuggle with me. Stop growing up! Stop it! Stop it!"

    One of my favorite quotes (cheesy as it is) is this: Being a mother means forever allowing your heart to walk around outside your body. No wonder I like to keep my kids snuggled close whenever I can.

    So, I empathize. I console myself that they still have many cute years left, and each new stage is very fun.

  2. Brook I love your comments! Especially that quote about hearts walking around...It sums up motherhood perfectly.