In 3 months I turn the big 3-0. A year ago, when asked how I felt about this event, I replied with a wave of the hand and a scoff. Turning 30 meant leaving my capricious 20s in the dust and really owning up to this adulthood thing.
Now, as the date draws near, my attitude has changed. Not insignificantly either. Since about January Dan has sighed patiently when he comes home occasionally to find me in tears. Lost youth, impending elderlyness, and the feeling of failure have all got me way down.
When I was a kid I wanted to be so many things; a scientist, a veterinarian, a teacher, a social worker, and a little later on-a politician. When I got to college I changed my major a total of 8 times before I graduated. I was in the Middle Eastern Studies program for a while studying Arabic so I could go work for the State Department as a cool something-or-rather. Then I was a PolySci major who wanted nothing else than to work for a good nuclear proliferation think tank in Washington (little known fact about me; I'm way into nukes). Finally I transfered over to the Humanities Department and dreamed of taking my degree to a Master's Program in screen writing and be the next Tina Fey or at least Chuck Klosterman.
But 30 is coming, and I have done none of those things. I have a degree. I also have kids. I love my kids and I love staying home with them. I think though, that part of my serious anxiety over this coming birthday is the fact that I feel like I have let my younger self down. I have an Etsy store where I sell burp clothes and baby dresses...what?! That was never the plan.
Having kids is a funny thing because it feels sometimes like maintaining any previous life goals is both futile and almost frowned upon. I sometimes catch myself feeling guilty when I'm in, what I call, and 'Oscar Daydream'. This is where I stare out the window while holding a bottle of ketchup and, in my head, give the best damned Oscar acceptance speech ever for my amazing *screenplay* *leading role* * cinematography* *directing* or whatever it is. I think the guilt comes because there's no good way to reconcile my role as a mother and my dreams of doing big things in life. I either stay home with my children, something I am very passionate about and something, honestly, I'm very good at OR I farm them out somewhere during the day and go to work pursuing my other dreams.
The former is something I will probably always do. My kids are my life. As soon as Eli sprung forth into this world I was as dependent on my offspring as they are on me. I love them and I am the only one I want taking care of them. The later, the pursuing dreams thing, is something I'm just going to have to come to peace with. And this is the peace that I'm having such a hard time finding as 30 comes nearer.
I wish sometimes I could lead two lives simultaneously One would be the one I'm in right now, nothing changed. Married, kids, house, mortgage, dog, chickens, walks to the park, and talking to other moms about bowel consistency and sleep routines. The other would be the one with the masters degree, the awesome job, the constant traveling, the fame, the fortune, and the clothes. Oh the clothes. I wouldn't even want to live in that life. Just have it hanging on the coat rack where I could throw it on every once in a while for a few hours.
But for now, where I am, I just need to be still and happy. In the words of Candide, "Let us cultivate our garden".
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Lovely
This morning I was playing with my two boys and sort of got caught up in the joy of motherhood. I grab Eli, snuggled him, and said, "How did I get such a good boy?"
He looked at me and said, "Because you love me!".
I couldn't think of a better answer. It hit me then that the words of my 3 year old could not have been more true; they are good because they are loved.
When we love people, we make them better. I can feel this so strongly in my house. When I am crabby and low on patience my kids seem to be the same. If I can pull myself up and "fake it til' I make it" things tend to turn around pretty quick.
How do we get good people in our lives? We love them! Its so simple, but such a hard one to master.
He looked at me and said, "Because you love me!".
I couldn't think of a better answer. It hit me then that the words of my 3 year old could not have been more true; they are good because they are loved.
When we love people, we make them better. I can feel this so strongly in my house. When I am crabby and low on patience my kids seem to be the same. If I can pull myself up and "fake it til' I make it" things tend to turn around pretty quick.
How do we get good people in our lives? We love them! Its so simple, but such a hard one to master.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Smoothie Smoothness
Remember when this blog was going to be about food? Remember when I wrote 3 pages of a screen play, started 8 chapters of a book, finished 4 installments of an 8 part mini series and cut out two quilts that are still sitting in my closet? I think I have a problem with follow-through.
Anyway...we've been making smoothing like crazy around here so I thought I'd share my favorite recipe. It's a modified version of one I learned to make when I was 8 in a neighborhood cooking class.
Garfield Family Smoothie Fantastico
2 Tablespoons orange juice concentrate (or honey or agave...any good sweetener really)
8 oz yogurt (I use plain)
5 frozen strawberries
2 frozen bananas
A large handful of washed spinach
4/5 pieces of ice
2 cups water
I just blend it all up for a long long time. I like my smoothies really, well, smooth. It's a great activity because it's one the kids and I can all do together AND it's really healthy. Win!
Anyway...we've been making smoothing like crazy around here so I thought I'd share my favorite recipe. It's a modified version of one I learned to make when I was 8 in a neighborhood cooking class.
Garfield Family Smoothie Fantastico
2 Tablespoons orange juice concentrate (or honey or agave...any good sweetener really)
8 oz yogurt (I use plain)
5 frozen strawberries
2 frozen bananas
A large handful of washed spinach
4/5 pieces of ice
2 cups water
I just blend it all up for a long long time. I like my smoothies really, well, smooth. It's a great activity because it's one the kids and I can all do together AND it's really healthy. Win!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
A Round About Sort of Way
Tell me please that this happens to other people:
Eli's at preschool. I just laid Sammy down for a nap with the golden thought that I would have 45 minutes to sit on my couch and read my book. As I was walking out of Sammy's room, I caught sight of my laundry room; a disaster. "I'll just fold one load, and then go read."
Twenty minutes later I had sort of made a dent on 'Clean Clothes Mountain'. I thought "Ok, 20 minutes to read. That will be good enough". I headed down the stairs only to trip over a pile of toys I had stacked there the night before that needed to get put away. "I'd better just stash them quick or someone will fall and break their neck." So back up the stairs I went with an armful of toys to put away in Eli's room.
Bad idea.
Eli's room was a wreck. He has been waking up way early but in an attempt at being a good boy he's been playing around before he alerts us to his awakening. This morning he had decided to pull every single article of clothing out of his drawers and make a huge pile in the middle of his room to jump into. While I appreciate the fact that he was diving into clothes at 6am and not screaming at us, I now have another 4 dozen articles of clothing to add to my piles in the laundry room.
Now its 11:30. I have to pick up Eli in 10 minutes. On The Road is still sitting neglected on my nightstand, my feet still are yelling for a break, and the there are still two hundred things that haven't been done around the house.
This is why I stay up until midnight...its the only time of day I feel is too impractical for housework. You can't clean a bathroom at midnight...never! But you can read in bed.
Eli's at preschool. I just laid Sammy down for a nap with the golden thought that I would have 45 minutes to sit on my couch and read my book. As I was walking out of Sammy's room, I caught sight of my laundry room; a disaster. "I'll just fold one load, and then go read."
Twenty minutes later I had sort of made a dent on 'Clean Clothes Mountain'. I thought "Ok, 20 minutes to read. That will be good enough". I headed down the stairs only to trip over a pile of toys I had stacked there the night before that needed to get put away. "I'd better just stash them quick or someone will fall and break their neck." So back up the stairs I went with an armful of toys to put away in Eli's room.
Bad idea.
Eli's room was a wreck. He has been waking up way early but in an attempt at being a good boy he's been playing around before he alerts us to his awakening. This morning he had decided to pull every single article of clothing out of his drawers and make a huge pile in the middle of his room to jump into. While I appreciate the fact that he was diving into clothes at 6am and not screaming at us, I now have another 4 dozen articles of clothing to add to my piles in the laundry room.
Now its 11:30. I have to pick up Eli in 10 minutes. On The Road is still sitting neglected on my nightstand, my feet still are yelling for a break, and the there are still two hundred things that haven't been done around the house.
This is why I stay up until midnight...its the only time of day I feel is too impractical for housework. You can't clean a bathroom at midnight...never! But you can read in bed.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Korean Spa Day
This last weekend I had the opportunity to visit my sister in Washington DC. My awesome husband took the kids for me and I had 2 days of mommy freedom. It was wonderful. Seriously one of the best things I've done in a long time. Don't get my wrong, I love my kids with all my heart and all that...but taking little breaks now and again is sure nice.
My sister Cristy and I sat down the night I got there and discussed what we should do on my only full day there. She mentioned there was a Korean bath house a few towns over that she'd been to and did I want to go? I'm not sure what else she proposed, because I stopped hearing things after "hot tubs, lounging, swimming, and more lounging". Korean spa-ing was it.
She explained to me how the place worked; everyone paid in the same place but then they separated the men from the women. After you head to your appointed locker room you say "audios" to your clothes and head to the women's spa area. I'd never done anything in-the-nude, comunal-ly speaking, and was just a little trepidatious about bearing it all in front of a few dozen other women.
I brushed off my nerves and we headed out. Once you get there you undress and then do a really thorough scrubbing. Everyone sits on these little stools next to extendable shower heads and scrubs themselves forever. It was awesome. I had a loofa and some nice soap and spent about 30 minutes getting super clean. I hadn't done that in forever. On good days I'm lucky if everything can get wet before someone screams, bleeds, pukes, pees, or gets sat on.
After the scrub-down you head into the spa area. There are about 5 small hot tubs and then one big swimming pool-type dealy that is heated to the perfect temperature. Jets and little waterfalls work the sore muscles on your back and everything is quiet and I think it's what I picture heaven being like.
I was amazed at how non-weird it was to be in a room full of nude-women. After about 20 seconds, any nervousness I had experienced was gone. It was one of the most relaxing environments I've ever been in. I realized, lounging around in that paradisiacal room, that what made it non-weird was that everyone, essentially, looks the same under their clothes. Sure, some are a little lumpier than others, some had scars, there were even a few women who had had double masectomies, but we were all, in reality, equal.
There was something so mind-altering about not having clothing as a measure for first impressions. We chatted with a few other ladies and there was nothing to set them apart, in any way, from any one else in the room except what they had to say. I loved this. I think there is something intrinsically female about the way we approach new people. As much as I try not too, I do judge people based on their clothing. I think we all do it. Having everyone on a level playing field made social interactions so different...a different I really liked.
I think it would be interesting to have, say, a nude baby shower or some other all-female activity. Get everyone together but take away the fashion aspect of social encounters. To be honest, I think its easier to hide a few lumps and rolls when everything is un-restricted. Pants can give us muffin-tops, bras give us back rolls. No clothes means no bulges!
OK...I'll stop weirding you out. Honestly though...awesome experience. I think every woman should attend one (all female) nude event every year. Anyone know of any in Utah County?
My sister Cristy and I sat down the night I got there and discussed what we should do on my only full day there. She mentioned there was a Korean bath house a few towns over that she'd been to and did I want to go? I'm not sure what else she proposed, because I stopped hearing things after "hot tubs, lounging, swimming, and more lounging". Korean spa-ing was it.
She explained to me how the place worked; everyone paid in the same place but then they separated the men from the women. After you head to your appointed locker room you say "audios" to your clothes and head to the women's spa area. I'd never done anything in-the-nude, comunal-ly speaking, and was just a little trepidatious about bearing it all in front of a few dozen other women.
I brushed off my nerves and we headed out. Once you get there you undress and then do a really thorough scrubbing. Everyone sits on these little stools next to extendable shower heads and scrubs themselves forever. It was awesome. I had a loofa and some nice soap and spent about 30 minutes getting super clean. I hadn't done that in forever. On good days I'm lucky if everything can get wet before someone screams, bleeds, pukes, pees, or gets sat on.
After the scrub-down you head into the spa area. There are about 5 small hot tubs and then one big swimming pool-type dealy that is heated to the perfect temperature. Jets and little waterfalls work the sore muscles on your back and everything is quiet and I think it's what I picture heaven being like.
I was amazed at how non-weird it was to be in a room full of nude-women. After about 20 seconds, any nervousness I had experienced was gone. It was one of the most relaxing environments I've ever been in. I realized, lounging around in that paradisiacal room, that what made it non-weird was that everyone, essentially, looks the same under their clothes. Sure, some are a little lumpier than others, some had scars, there were even a few women who had had double masectomies, but we were all, in reality, equal.
There was something so mind-altering about not having clothing as a measure for first impressions. We chatted with a few other ladies and there was nothing to set them apart, in any way, from any one else in the room except what they had to say. I loved this. I think there is something intrinsically female about the way we approach new people. As much as I try not too, I do judge people based on their clothing. I think we all do it. Having everyone on a level playing field made social interactions so different...a different I really liked.
I think it would be interesting to have, say, a nude baby shower or some other all-female activity. Get everyone together but take away the fashion aspect of social encounters. To be honest, I think its easier to hide a few lumps and rolls when everything is un-restricted. Pants can give us muffin-tops, bras give us back rolls. No clothes means no bulges!
OK...I'll stop weirding you out. Honestly though...awesome experience. I think every woman should attend one (all female) nude event every year. Anyone know of any in Utah County?
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Happy Valentimmmes Day!
Dan and I celebrated our 5th anniversary last month. It's crazy to think that only 5 years ago we took each other's hands, I took his name, and we got ourselves hitched. Since that gloriously freezing day we've had quite the ride. 2 babies, loads of trips, a few heartaches and a lot of fun. So for this Valentines Day I'd like to commemorate my valentine. He is my one and only and the most amazing husband a girl could ever want.
Dan and I met at a party in April of 2007. I went on a whim with a guy I really didn't want to go out with. I decided to make the most of it and struck up conversation with a cute skater-looking boy. He was funny, and we ended up swapping YouTube videos on his laptop for an hour or so. He got my number from the guy I was with (what a stud) and called me up a few days later. We got together for Mexican food and talked for 5 hours that first outing. I knew something good was going to come of it.
A week after we met we both headed off to Europe. I was going to live in Spain for 2 months on a BYU study abroad. Dan was going to tour around with a friend. We emailed back and forth while we were both having our European experience. I printed off all those emails after we'd been married and still have them.
When I got home in July of 2007 we met up right away. Our first kiss happend 3 days after I'd been back in town and after that we were together 24/7. I always think back on that summer with such fond memories. It was a good one. We went on so many adventures together; camping, hiking, Sliders marathons, late-night 7/11 runs. It was wonderful.
Once Fall hit we both started feeling a little more serious about things. We didn't really know what to think other than we loved each other and wanted to be together all the time. In October of 2007 I was at a sort of crossroads; I was either going to move to Colorado to live with my brother's family while he was in Iraq or Dan and I were going to get married. When I put it to Dan in those terms he suggested I should move to Colorado and we could see how things went while I was gone. Having tried a few long-distance relationships before I told him if I left we were most likely not going to stay together. A few days later, after a long discussion, we both felt like marriage was what we wanted.
It was an amazing and stressful time. I wanted to get hitched before my brother left for the Middle East at the beginning of January. We both felt like we didn't want to wait until the next summer so we set a date that was less than 2 months away. Our families were thrilled...if not a little stunned. A few days after we had set a date Dan and I were walking to his car to go out to lunch. He stopped me, pulled a box out of his pocket, and officially proposed. I let him pick out the ring and I was so happy when he put it on my finger. Things were official!
We were married for time and all eternity on December 20th, 2007. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Dan looked so handsome; he shaved for the wedding and it was the first time I'd seen him all smooth! The day we got married it snowed and snowed and snowed. It was epic. Our reception was still a blast and we saw so many friends.
I've always been amazed that we knew each other for such a relatively short time before we tied the knot. I can honestly say I've never in my life met another person with whom I am so compatible. I remember telling someone after we got married that I knew Dan was The One because I always felt so comfortable around him. Our personalities have always just clicked.
It's been 5 years now since that cold December day. Each day I learn new things about my husband that impress me. He is, without a doubt, the best father I have ever met. He is patient, kind, understanding, and above all else, loving and tender.
Dan has been present and very involved in both the births of our sons. With Eli he was able to see him come into the world and saw him take his first little breath. When we went through all the drama with Sammy and had to have a c-section Dan was there with the doctors checking him out and making sure he was ok. He gets up in the night when someone is crying. He plays on the floor with the boys for hours. He loves them and they worship him
I can't imagine what my life would be like without Dan. A few months ago we took a long road trip to see his family. On the way home we had a few hours where Sammy was sleeping and Eli was watching a movie and there was peace in the car. I was amazed that even after 5 years Dan and I spent that time making each other laugh so hard we were crying.
To end my long, sappy ramblings I'd just like to say this; marriage is hard, and can be a struggle sometimes. Trying to mesh 2 people's personalities, interests, goals, and priorities takes time and patience. I am so eternally grateful that I hitched my wagon to a man who is willing to work on things together. There are hardly any problems we've encountered that we haven't been able to overcome with discussion, laughter, and love.
I love you my valentine! Here's to many many more.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Sleepy Time
I often have new moms ask what sort of advice an old sage like me (three years at this gig and going strong!) would have to give. I usually tell them the best piece of advice someone once gave me "You are your child's mother. You will know what is best even when everyone else has a thousands things to say about what you are doing". If they don't like that, I launch into a 20 minute lecture on the importance of sleep and scheduling for moms and kids.
I am a BIG believer in sleep. I like it a lot. I like sleep for me, I like it for my kids, I just like it. When I don't get sleep things don't go right in my life. I'm cranky, I'm slow, I make stupid mistakes. When my kids don't get enough sleep they tend to take after their mom. In the Garfield house we've sort of established a system that sleep (for the kids at least) is the most important part of our day.
We have them on a very tight schedule. Every night both boys are in bed by 7:30. Every day they are both down for naps at generally the same time. We have a bedtime and nap-time routine that work pretty well for us. There haven't been many nights where we have had to go back in and put someone to bed again.
There is a lot of controversy over "crying it out". I think its a little silly, to be honest. We love our kids, we want what's best for them, and part of that involves a good night sleep for everyone. Around 4-6 months with both our boys we've let them cry a little at night to get back to sleep. Anything longer than 20 minutes or so and we go in check up. It just seems practical to me. Both our boys have slept 12 hours + a night by about 8 months. I'm not saying we're amazing parents, or that we're better than people who don't let their kids cry a little at night. We've just found a system that works really well for our bunch. Also, our kids are NOT allowed in bed with Mom and Dad passed about 4 months. This works very well for us as well. Eli has never asked to sleep in our bed and I don't think he will ever even consider it an option.
With that said...hearing your kids cry NEVER gets easy. NEVER ever. Right now I'm dealing with an Eli who won't take a nap. He is exhausted. He's so tired that he WON'T go to sleep. He needs sleep so so bad, but he just won't go down. Even now, after 3 years of doing this, I'm on the couch silently weeping while my son screams for me upstairs. If I go in there it only lets him know that crying gets a visit from Mom. That just prolongs the nap even more. So I have to sit here and listen to Clair de Lune for the 4th time through and hope that he doesn't remember this when he gets big and resents me (he'll have plenty of other things for that list I'm sure...).
I am a BIG believer in sleep. I like it a lot. I like sleep for me, I like it for my kids, I just like it. When I don't get sleep things don't go right in my life. I'm cranky, I'm slow, I make stupid mistakes. When my kids don't get enough sleep they tend to take after their mom. In the Garfield house we've sort of established a system that sleep (for the kids at least) is the most important part of our day.
We have them on a very tight schedule. Every night both boys are in bed by 7:30. Every day they are both down for naps at generally the same time. We have a bedtime and nap-time routine that work pretty well for us. There haven't been many nights where we have had to go back in and put someone to bed again.
There is a lot of controversy over "crying it out". I think its a little silly, to be honest. We love our kids, we want what's best for them, and part of that involves a good night sleep for everyone. Around 4-6 months with both our boys we've let them cry a little at night to get back to sleep. Anything longer than 20 minutes or so and we go in check up. It just seems practical to me. Both our boys have slept 12 hours + a night by about 8 months. I'm not saying we're amazing parents, or that we're better than people who don't let their kids cry a little at night. We've just found a system that works really well for our bunch. Also, our kids are NOT allowed in bed with Mom and Dad passed about 4 months. This works very well for us as well. Eli has never asked to sleep in our bed and I don't think he will ever even consider it an option.
With that said...hearing your kids cry NEVER gets easy. NEVER ever. Right now I'm dealing with an Eli who won't take a nap. He is exhausted. He's so tired that he WON'T go to sleep. He needs sleep so so bad, but he just won't go down. Even now, after 3 years of doing this, I'm on the couch silently weeping while my son screams for me upstairs. If I go in there it only lets him know that crying gets a visit from Mom. That just prolongs the nap even more. So I have to sit here and listen to Clair de Lune for the 4th time through and hope that he doesn't remember this when he gets big and resents me (he'll have plenty of other things for that list I'm sure...).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
