Sunday, January 15, 2012

Postpartum Decompression

It's been a little over two weeks since Sammy made his big debut. Life has been pretty crazy since he arrived on the scene. I forgot what having a newborn is like; no free time, lots and lots of sweet and precious time with a baby that doesn't move...I like that.

Most things have been wonderful. Sammy is a sleeper...he doses off and on most of the day and then sleeps pretty heavy at night...going about 3 hours between feedings. For some reason though I am so exhausted all the time I feel like I could fall asleep standing up. His feedings at night take quite a while. I nurse him, then I have to give him a bottle, then usually I need to change his diaper and that time it's almost time to start again. And it doesn't help that I have a hard time sleeping the more tired I's an odd phenomena I've dealt with forever...the more stressed and sleepy I am the harder it is for me to sleep. Oh well.

Eli has dealt with things about as well as can be expected. I can definitely tell he's acting out a little more than usual and pushing limits more and more. Dan and I keep talking about how we can't tell if Eli's getting more attention from us because we're overcompensating for bringing Sam into his life or if he's getting less attention from obvious baby responsibilities. I guess many many older kids have dealt with and survived having a new baby in the house and Eli will too.

The biggest challenge, of course, since Sammy's arrival has been nursing. I really had high hopes this time that things would be better. And things were, for a little bit, until I took Sam to a lactation specialist last week and she told me he wasn't getting enough to eat from me. We did a weigh in before and after a feeding and found he was only getting about an ounce out of me...and he needs at least 2-3 per feeding. So we started bottle feeding and nursing...but to be honest I'm so tired that I may call it quits here pretty soon. I hate to do it. I kinda cry thinking about it....but I am so exhausted I just can't keep doing 45 minute nursing sessions and then do another 20 minutes of bottle feeding and diapers and all that. It's just becoming too much to deal with, especially having Eli to take care of as well.

With Eli I was able to nurse him for about 2 months, supplementing lots with formula. I feel like I'm letting Sammy down if I quit now...but at the same time, as a good friend pointed out, Sammy and Eli really need a sane mommy right now too. Not being able to produce enough milk for my son really takes a hit on my emotions...and I think trying to nurse him every two hours and then having to bottle feed keeps my 'unproductivity' at the front of my mind 24/7. And I've tried everything to boost my supply: pumping round the clock after each feeding, drinking cup after cup of this nasty tea that's supposed to help with production, and so many other things.

I'll have to weigh my options over the next few days and see what to do....I want him to get the best nutrition he can...but formula is just about as healthy as breast milk and it may be worth my sanity to switch over full time.

ANYWAY....enough word vomit. Turns out 5 hours of sleep can make for a pretty rambling me. I love my little son so very very much. I love my big boy Eli so very very much. And I need to give a shout out to my husband...Dan has been...well...there aren't words to describe how much I love him. He has been amazing these last few weeks. He takes my breakdowns in stride, has pretty much been on Eli duty full time since the birth, and does the majority of the house work so I can take care of Sammy. I am one lucky girl.

Life is good. Life is hard. Life is wonderful.

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