Holiness

Today I was able to attend the Brigham City temple dedication. It was lovely and reminded me just how much I love the temple. This dedication came at a particularly nostalgic time for me as yesterday was the 8 year anniversary of when I went to the temple for the first time and received my endowments.  

September 22, 2004 was an amazing day for me. I would enter the Missionary Training Center in Provo in less than a month but for now I was entering a building I had loved for a long time. It was just my parents and myself, at my request, and I loved the sweet peace I felt being able to just take it all in.

For those of my friends who read my blog who aren't familiar with what Mormon temples are, here's a quick primer. In the church we have meeting houses where we attend weekly church devotionals and services. All are welcome to enter these buildings and we encourage visitors. In the temple only members of the church with recommends (obtained after a process of personal preparation) enter and perform what we refer to as 'temple work'. Members of the church 12 years and older are able to enter to participate a limited number of services, ordinances as they are called, and members a little older (there's no real set age) are able to obtain a full use recommend and participate in all the ordinances available.

The temple is, above all, a place of peace and meditation. It is a place to go to work, think, and take time out from life. It is a place of solace and revelation. It is one of my favorite places on earth.

Dan and I were married in the Bountiful Temple. Every time I enter the temple, especially that one, I feel an intense feeling of love and appreciation for the opportunity I had to be sealed eternally to my dear spouse.

Thinking back on my last 8 years of temple attendance I have only warm, fuzzy memories. I wish everyone could experience the peace I have found within those walls. Today I re-dedicated myself to attending more frequently, being always worthy to enter, and make my home a place that is akin to the spirit felt in the temple.

Milky Musings

First off, "stop talking about your boobs already!" and second off "we don't care anymore!".

Point taken. But you came here...and here I am. For whatever reason the last few weeks I've been feeling very sad (again) about my inability to nurse my son. I have no doubt in my mind that he is fine, formula is fine, bottles are fine, and everyone is great. But my little boy, my baby, is getting so big and independent that I just yearn for some sort of infant/mother connection. He used to like it when I rocked him while he took a bottle but now that he can hold his own he'd rather scoot around and grab a drink here and there and resume activities.

I know every mom goes through a sort of aching when her baby gets big. With Sammy though, there's something more to it. I'm not sure if its the drama of his birth, the subsequent depression and (partial) recovery, or just the fact that my 3 year old is less than cuddly and I really loved having this little bundle around who wanted nothing more than for Mommy to hold him and snuggle him. I know he's only 8 months old. I know he'll be a baby for a while still. But something about him lately is just screaming "I'm independent Mom! Look at me!"

He crawls at lightning speed and does everything he can to keep up with Big Brother. He loves to be cuddled, but only in small, short doses. I have been longing for a reason to get him to stay close to me, want to me near me, but without mommy milk he would rather take his lunch on the go.

I have an odd relationship with nursing. Yesterday I had a few friends over and we were talking (of course) about babies and what-not and they were swapping nursing stories. I added input only in the form of "and then I mixed a bottle and he went to bed" but I suddenly hurt a bit for this experience that I was missing out on.

On one hand, I think not being able to nurse has been a real blessing for me. Its given me a chance to let others help with my children in ways I wouldn't have been able to. It has given me mobility and a little more freedom. Sammy is an amazing sleeper and minus the current ear infection has had a pretty spotless bill of health in his little life.

On the other hand I wish so much that I could still share a closeness with my baby other mothers do. I always feel like I have to explain myself to moms when I pull out a bottle of formula. I know they most likely don't care but I want to make sure they know I'm not doing this voluntarily. It's silly really, I shouldn't care what other people think about me...but I do.

Oh well, sorry for the downer today. I'm just feeling a little sad about the progress of time I guess. I love my kids so much it makes me cry. Sammy is so big and strong and happy. Eli is so smart and funny. I just want them to stay little forever. Is that possible?

This American Wife

My kiddos are driving me crazy today so I thought I'd take a minute to give myself a break and do something just for me. Like...share all of my new crafties with you! I've been making lots of stuff lately....some of it out of bordom...some of it out of insanity...some of it out of "everything I do is taken apart by small hands so I need to work on something that will not get destroyed in a minute"...ness. 

Here are some pics. 

Hair pins! I know everyone does these...but my hair has been driving me crazy and I've been looking for something to use that's not just a plain old bobby pin.  

 Boat pillow. I love this one. It's for a birthday present for a friend so...I hope she doesn't check this post until Sunday!

Chrysanthemum wreath....I like the way this turned out. 

Now For Something Completely Different.

Do you have dreams? I know I do.

I write. A lot. I do a lot of creative writing, writing for money, editing, poetry, writing here on my blog, producing hilarious and unforgettable commentary on social media outlets, and so forth.

It's not a passion, but it is a hobby, and sometimes a livelihood. I do have a dream though. A deep-rooted and undying dream. I want to be published. I'm not talking internet published...I mean really actually legit have a book or a story or something I write in print.

SO

What am I going to do about it? Well...this for starters.

I want to go to that conference so very very much. I've been saving my pennies and working on stuff to take for a few months now. I have a creative fiction piece that I want to polish up and take with me.

Do you have dreams? Please do tell. We're adults, but we're allowed to talk about what we want to be when we grow up.